August 22, 2014

40 Funny One-Liners (Jokes)

Funny Short Jokes

Here’s a collection of 40 of the funniest one-liners you’ll ever find. Use these funny, short jokes to spice up your daily conversations or to entertain your friends.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


Funny Mouse2. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


3. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.


4. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


5. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.


6. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.


7. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.


8. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.


9. Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.


10. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.


11. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.


12. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.


13. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.


14. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


15. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.


Funny Bike16. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


17. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.


18. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.


19. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.


20. My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.


21. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


22. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.


23. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.


24. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


25. I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.


26. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.


27. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.


28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others… whenever they go.


29. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.


30. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a b!tch.


31. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


32. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it… So, I said “Implants?”


Bad Girl33. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.


34. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


35. War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.


36. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.


37. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.


38. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.


39. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.


40. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.


Photo Credits: simi_if, Hugger Industries, Oleg Mirabo, Madison Rox.

3 comments

  1. man..so cool… we can use this to pic up chicks :P

  2. Yes why not use this line to pick up chicks “My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” And also take note of “Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience”…. Although you might be a good opponent….

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